BEHIND THE LYRICS... for Fibro Fighters the World over!
When my wife Nicki and I met, she was vibrant, active, full of life and energy. 100mph! Ambitious, funny and affectionately known as Miss Big Smiles, she had a heart as big as her smile. Did anything for anyone...
Following us both experiencing the breakdown of difficult marriages, we began house sharing. Our friendship deepened over time and we began our relationship. It was such a natural progression, and we already knew each other inside out. We loved one another’s children as our own. We were a solid unit. For the 1st time in my life, I felt I could really be ‘me’, with all my flaws. And Nicki felt the same. The future was all of a sudden really exciting… and something we were all really looking forward to. We had a happy home. I used to sing around the house all the time, to the kids, when hoovering or washing up... and Nicki loved my voice. She kept pushing me to do something with my talent. But I was still shy, lacking confidence and didn't believe in myself enough to do it. So she bought me a PA system as a surprise! It was just the push I needed. Nicki encouraged me to begin my music career. I was going to give up work to concentrate full time on music, Nicki would temporarily be the bread winner in order for me to pursue my dream. Then she had an accident that would change our lives forever...
She never recovered, and started experiencing excruciating pain all over her body. She could hardly move some days, much less walk. It was hard to see the woman I loved dearly in so much pain, and be unable to fix it. Our life became a string of hospital visits, medication that made her poorly, pre planning absolutely everything to take into account her pain, exhaustion and crutches/wheelchair. It was Groundhog Day... every day.
After a couple of years of hospital visits, investigations, my music dream being placed on hold due to Nicki losing her job on ill health grounds, and me having to work 2 jobs 7 days a week to support our family, she finally had her diagnosis. Her condition would be forever. And get slowly worse. There was no effective medication or cure. I was lost. It was like the old Nicki was dying before my eyes. I took the role of carer - forgetting that in spite of her condition, she was still the woman I fell head over heels in love with. We stopped communicating whilst I catered to the needs of her disability and lack of mobility, her sadness at the situation, and I began grieving for what once was.
But I shut her out. I couldn't be there for her emotionally as it was breaking me to see her like this, so I distanced myself in order not to feel.
I didn't know what this was doing to Nicki. She felt like a burden. Isolated, unloved and lonely. She missed 'us' and felt I didn't care. It very nearly ended our relationship.
Eventually, it all came to a head and we thrashed it out. I felt tremendous guilt for not being emotionally available to her, letting her down when she needed me the most. I expected her to hate me, tell me to leave, that she didn't need me... She had always been fiercely independent and was rejecting her new level of dependency.
But she didn't.
She understood my grief, my pain, my frustration at a lifetime of changed plans and not being able to fix things for her. All she wanted was for me to see past her condition, and love her for WHO she is. Not just see her disability, and what she - or we - could no longer do. I felt like I didn't deserve another chance as I'd let her down so badly. Like I had become this terrible person. She literally said the words 'I see you'. Reminded me of who I am, explained WHY I had reacted the way I had to the changes forced upon us. That she couldn't be 'fixed' - but WE could. I wanted to find a way of letting her know how I feel about her. And that now I had come to terms with it all, I would never EVER let her down again. That her condition is OUR journey. And I will always be at her side.
And so, 'I see you' was born.
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Since a year into my musical journey 4 years ago, people have been telling me... 'Get a band behind you' and
'You are a natural frontman! You need your own band!'
At the time, I had neither the experience as a performer nor confidence in my solo identity as an artiste to do it justice. And if you follow me, you know I like to always give 100% and do things properly!
2 years ago I was approached by a band who had already caught my attention on Social Media. Although I was honoured to be considered good enough to represent their brand, I didn't feel ready. And my diary was too busy with other commitments for me to give it the time and attention it deserved. But this year, that changed.
We spoke again, and I felt that same excitement in the pit of my stomach that I had at the very beginning of my solo career. The timing was right, and I had developed the confidence in my reputation, identity and brand that I had worked so hard on as a solo artiste. So I am really proud to announce the birth of 'Apollo Gold' - made up of some of the most talented musicians I have had the pleasure to work with!
The Apollo brand is the brainchild of Andy Wann, who as well as being a fantastic musician himself, formed Apollo Live Entertainments. He supplies only the finest entertainment to venues globally... and personally hand picks all his musicians, with a real talent for knowing what will work!
I am really excited to see where this project takes us, as public reaction to us so far has been phenomenal.
I can't wait for you all to share this journey with me... so keep your eyes open for updates! Below is a little taster of what we do, please share with us what you think in the FB comments box below!
For more information, or to book as either a 5 or 6 piece band, please click here: